Not too long ago, I flew to Boston to speak at a public affairs conference. When I finished speaking, I had the opportunity to shake hands and mingle with the great people who had attended. As I was getting ready to leave, a man came up to me in the foyer, shook my hand, and introduced himself as a gay man. I told him it was so great to meet him and he proceeded to tell me a bit about his background. I didn’t say much because I know that this can be a sensitive topic for many people, and so he did a great deal of the talking. I just wanted to keep my mouth shut and listen to this brother’s story…
We hear a lot about people who have been raised in the church but who subsequently “come out of the closet” and are trying deal with the associated familial, social, and ecclesiastical pressures of being gay. But this man’s story was very different. I listened intently as he explained to me that he did not grow up in the church. He told me that he was a convert to the church in one of the most liberal college towns in the United States, Cambridge Massachusetts. I was sort of shocked to be honest. With all that is going on with social media, a gay Mormon convert seemed like last person I’d run into while speaking in Cambridge. I’m sure he could read the surprise on my face as he began to tell his story. We sort of joked about how much of an enigma he is inside the church. A gay man… converting to Mormonism?! How?! But what he told me next… I’ll never forget.
This good, kind man said this:
I believe that there is a place for gays inside of the Mormon Church. The doctrine of the church tells me that I have a place here. Nothing I have learned inside the church tells me that I don’t have a place here. It is the media and those that are critical to the church that persistently tell me that I don’t have a place here… but the doctrine tells me otherwise.
When I heard this, I just stood there. I felt the spirit so strongly standing there in that foyer with this brother. This gay Mormon man… a recent convert… just spoke the truth, and the spirit testified of it to me. Homosexuals need to know that they absolutely have a place in the church. They should have a place among us just as much as anyone else. Members of the church need to know this. Critics need to know this. And the world needs to know that prophets and apostles continue to back it up, even from the pulpit in general conference. “We cannot” as Elder Ballard said, “stand on the sidelines while others, including our critics, attempt to define what the Church teaches.” The church teaches inclusion. It is at the core of our doctrine. If a member of the church is discriminating, it doesn’t mean that the church is discriminating.
Look… I can’t understand homosexuality. I just can’t. I can’t wrap my head around it as a man who loves his wife and is so naturally and physically attracted to her. Personally, to feel that way toward another man just doesn’t register in my brain. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be understanding to another man who feels the contrary. There’s nothing he or anyone else can do about the way he feels toward men, in just the same way that there is never a chance that anyone could change the natural desire I have for my wife. But for a gay man or woman, who can’t help the way they feel, it can be a scary, lonely, and confusing predicament to be in when it comes to having a desire to follow Biblical Christianity.
The official stance of the church is simply this: “God loves all of us. He loves those of different faiths and those without any faith. He loves those who suffer. He loves the rich and poor alike. He loves people of every race and culture, the married or single, and those who experience same-sex attraction or identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. And God expects us to follow His example.”(Ref)
I love that.
“And God expects us to follow his example.”
We don’t follow his example by ensuring that we’re on the clear other side of the chapel from that gay member or by talking behind his back. We follow his example by pulling up a seat right next to him and figuring out how to be his friend. We follow God’s example by not treating that person differently than we might treat others. We follow God’s example by being “no respecter of persons.” We follow God’s example by recognizing that each of us have challenges and each of us have sin.
But keep in mind… that just because a man or woman is attracted to the same sex, it doesn’t mean they’re sinning. Elder Ballard said, “Let us be clear: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believes that ‘the experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them.”
It was never my job in life to determine where someone else’s testosterone or estrogen levels fall within the Kinsey scale. I don’t know if a person is gay because they were born that way or whether it was because of social circles, friends, or the confusing world we live in. I believe there are some of both. But truly… I don’t know why anyone is the way that they are… and again, it’s not my job to figure it out. It’s not my job to speculate or keep track of whether or not my brother or sister is sinning in a homosexual or a heterosexual way. As long as what others are doing doesn’t affect me directly… then it’s really none of my business. My business is to live according to the light and knowledge that I have. My business is to follow Christ’s example and love my brothers and sisters. Plain and simple. The rest is up to God alone.
God is not going to distinguish between homosexual and heterosexual sin. Even the least sin will keep each us from entering the kingdom of God without faith in Christ, repentance, and growth. Sexual sin is forbidden regardless of whether or not you’re gay or straight. The Bible forbids it on each end of the spectrum. God forbids men being with women outside of marriage and he forbids men being with men outside of marriage. But he also states that marriage is between a man and a woman… which makes the trial that much more difficult for someone who has truly been dealt the hand of homosexuality. That is all the more reason for us to rally around someone who is trying to deal with that circumstance in their life. Alma describes Christ as one who “will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” Christ shows empathy towards each of us. His bowels are filled with mercy… toward everyone… especially those who are working through challenging times in their lives.
This brother I met in Boston was completely right. The doctrine of Christ testifies that there is a place for him in the church… and it’s right next to me on the pew.
Thanks, Greg. Great article. I, like you, can’t wrap my head around homosexuality at all, but I am really trying love ALL my neighbors, as Christ taught us.
Awesome! I will add this – you do know what it’s like to be attracted to beautiful women, to start having crushes on girls in Jr High school, to want to marry one, to love your wife, and to enjoy building a life with her. On the other hand, you probably have a hard time even talking yourself into the idea of trying to kiss a dude and enjoy it. I think that’s basically what it’s like to be a lesbian! So you understand homosexuality better than you think. 🙂
I used to think like you do, but then it occurred to me that I could understand gay men better than I thought originally, because I was likewise attracted to men myself, and while I had many women in my life that I loved and respected and cared about, I had no desire to date them romantically.
If that helps you love all of your neighbors like Christ does a little bit better, cool. It helped me have perspective and stand in somebody’s shoes who was really different than myself.
(Insert old joke about being a lesbian trapped in a man’s body . . . ????)
Let me share another point you may have not thought about. I am a convert. Before I joined the church I was very permiscuious. I am married in the Temple, I have a strong testimony of the truthfulness of this work. I love my wife. But even after 40 years I still struggle with the desire to be unfaithful. Lets call it multiple woman attraction. It is to me as Paul described a thorn in my side. I do not act on the thoughts. I control them and live in obedience to the covenants I have made with the Lord, because I love him and want to obey his will. So my question is, should I take the easy path and act on my desires and risk losing everything because I feel I could love more than one Woman or take the hard path of obedience and demonstrate I am willing to bear my cross?
I’m sorry Jp but this is simply not a good comparison…
You begin with basic points… you were very permiscuous before converting to Mormonism, you are now married in the temple, you struggle with sleeping around even after many years.
How do you think those 40 years would have passed if the following scenario was your reality.
In order to be baptised into the Mormon church and maintain a current temple recommend, you can never again have a companion. You simply slept around too much.
You can’t masterbate, go on dates, or get married in the temple. You would have to marry a member of the same sex if you would like to be sealed in the temple.
If you struggle with these things or heaven forbid “do” any of them, you will need to visit with your bishop and tell him about it so he can tell you how to handle “your situation”, potentially need to be disfellowshipped, or excommunicated.
The scenario of you wanting to sleep around is nothing like what homosexual members go through…
Jp, I can appreciate your challenge, as I face something similar. But our temptation is absolutely nothing like that faced by LGBT members of the church. They literally have no hope of love. That’s the church’s position. Deny 100% of your feelings of attraction and abandon all hope of a romantic relationship corresponding with their natural desires.
That’s a lot more difficult than being married and having to tame a wandering eye.
The key word is they chose this. If that’s what this gay convert is willing to do then good for him, but other gay members are not willing to sacrifice such an important part of who they are. Just really think what you would do if you were told by the church that in order to reach the celestial kingdom, you had to never marry someone of the opposite sex and never act on your heterosexual desires. Puts it in to perspective. I do agree with Greg that all we should do, regardless of our religious sect, is love, love, love.
Kelli — You ask the question for which I have not heard a “real” answer, “What if a “straight” person was told that sex with their legally wedded spouse is a sin?” They would be denied one of the most wonderful and beautiful experiences in life. The gay person is not treated equally. I do not know the answer, but I suspect that this conundrum will change in a generation or two. I am also certain that the Savior’s atonement will cover it to everyones’s satisfaction.
I am not LDS but evangelical. However the issue for most gay people is not acceptance of their struggle with same sex attraction and support-but full inclusion and acceptance/celebration of their lifestyle. I believe Scripture is very specific regarding this-marriage is between a man and a woman. I believe Greg and I share the same attitude on this issue and most gay people would not be pleased with it. I have compassion for gay people and understand their struggle with same sex attraction is not sin-there is a world of difference between same sex attraction and acting on the attraction. I also believe that Scripture (I can speak only regarding the Bible as I am non-LDS) does not single out same sex activity as a worse sin than others. However it is still a sin when acted out. I also believe that Scripture condemns any form of mockery, degrading words and thoughts, economic oppression, abuse, threats and violence against anyone based on their sexual identity or activity.
This is a bit confusing. Elder Bednar says there are no homosexuals in the church. Doesn’t this imply they have no place in the Church? Which is it? Are they in the Church, or not? And if it’s okay for homosexuals to be in the church and not repent for same sex attraction, then why is a man who lusts after pornography disciplined? Why must he repent, if he is not acting on it? The truth is, lust in the heart is sin. It requires a changed heart….whether it’s a married man lusting after another woman, or a man who wants to be with another man, or someone who is looking at pornography. Repentance applies in all of these cases, so my question is…are gays getting a special “pass”? it seems odd to hear them declare they have a place in the Church when others are trying to repent and overcome in order to get into the Chuch.
As a Ward Missionary and also accompanies Elder Missionaries giving lessons to prospectives, that to be Baptized and confirmed a member of the LDS church one must first go thru Repentance. This applies to everybody including Gays. This means knowing and understanding the things you have done were a sin, then praying to the Father confessing all your sins then asking for forgiveness. We gave Lessons to an Elder Gay man in his 70’s last year and it was very hard for him to comes to terms with his homosexuality. Even though his pardner had long since passed and he no longer was practicing the life style, he felt he was good to go and felt he was giving up everything he stood for. We explained that a man is defined by more than his sexuality and after much prayer and pondering he agreed. We explained to him it was indeed a sin, and must go thru the Repentance process to be Baptized. One cannot be practicing a Gay lifestyle and be Baptized, but are welcome to attend Church anytime.